Last week marked the 7th year of our marriage. It’s always been fun yet life-changing; satisfying yet challenging. Like a roller-coaster ride, there are different situations in different seasons of the journey.
We’ve learned much these past seven years, but here are 7 lessons I learned and appreciate the most.
1.) You never stop learning about your spouse
A wedding is a one-time event, marriage is a life-long journey. Living with each other through the years gives us a growing and deepening understanding of one another. You learn more about how the other person thinks, makes decisions, reacts to difficulties, and takes joy in life.
Of course, people can change over time. Our spouse’s convictions and physical conditions can mature or change through time. Our life situations also change, affecting the way we understand and relate to one another.
This is part of the thrill and excitement of the adventure of marriage—you stay and work together through the changing seasons of life.
2.) Never assume on your spouse
Living together for longer years leads to familiarity. And as the saying goes, “Familiarity breeds contempt.”
Sometimes, you do what you think your spouse needs—but realize she wants something else. You take words negatively based on what you feel your spouse means—but it turns out, she means something else. You get disappointed because you expect your spouse to know what you need—but honestly, she doesn’t have any clue.
Many misunderstandings and conflicts arise due to wrong assumptions. And we assume because we stop intentionally knowing and understanding one another.
If you think there’s something wrong, ask first. Confirm. If you want something, communicate.
Familiarity shouldn’t breed contempt. Knowing each other better should lead to a deeper longing to connect through communication and greater freedom to express oneself without the fear of being judged.
3.) Sex can be a problem in marriage
Before and right after the wedding, the sexual passion for one another is high and natural. Finally, you exclusively belong to each other and there’s nothing more to hide. It’s a new and exciting experience.
But that passion goes down as years pass by. Due to familiarity, it’s no longer as new and fascinating as before. Due to busyness, you have less time to have intimate moments, unlike during the honeymoon. Changes in your spouse and circumstances also affect your expectations for sex.
When Yeng and I discuss it, we recognize the tendency to view sex as mere duty to your spouse. Paul indeed said that we’re obligated to please and not deprive our spouse of sexual intimacy (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
But more than an obligation, sex between a husband and a wife is a privilege—a special privilege to enjoy and rejoice in one another.
In many cases, wives think that when their husbands want to have sex, it’s the sex they want. Not necessarily. If it’s all about having sex, you can get it elsewhere. When your spouse wants to have sex, it’s you they want. He longs for you, to hug, kiss, and enjoy you. As Proverbs 5:18-19 puts it, to “rejoice in you” and be “intoxicated in your love.”
When sex feels like a mere duty and unexciting, discuss it. Renew your thinking: It’s a privilege to enjoy—and be enjoyed by—your spouse.
4.) Good parenting requires a strong marriage
Studies observe that children in broken families are more likely to experience psychological issues and engage in risky behaviors, such as drug abuse, smoking, drinking, pre-marital sex, and suicidal attempts. On the contrary, research affirms that when both dad and mom are present—and have a healthy marriage—children are more likely to flourish in life.
Aside from its long-term effects on children, a strong marriage helps you share the burden of parenting. From expecting a baby to managing a growing home, a deep friendship and teamwork with your spouse make things easier.
5.) Conflicts and trials are inevitable—and for the good
Staying married teaches you how to resolve conflicts better. But conflicts never get away. Due to our sinfulness, we’ll hurt each other one way or another with our words, actions, and expectations.
As the family grows, your marriage gets more complicated too. You keep facing trials and challenges. You keep adjusting and working on your relationship.
But these are necessary for a healthy marriage and family life. Encountering and overcoming trials together as husband and wife helps improve your resilience and friendship. So when hardships come, remember and hope things will get better later on.
6.) It’s a blessing to marry in the Lord
God’s will is clear that a Christian should marry a believer too (1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor. 6:14). The blessings of a Christian marriage are beyond comparison. You fear the same God. You believe in the same Savior and Lord. You’re guided by the same Spirit who dwells within you. You share the same hopes and ultimate aspirations in life.
When there are conflicts, you both exercise patience and self-control. When there are trials, you both pray and trust the Lord. When there are successes, you both rejoice and thank the Lord.
In whatever season of life, you both grow mature.
7.) It’s the LORD who builds the house
Relationships, marriage, and family help us realize that the universe is never in our hands. The longer I stay married and the more people God brings into my life, the more things get complicated. And God uses it to teach me that unless He gives His blessing and protection, there’s nothing I can do and protect (Psalm 127:1)
We can be and should be responsible. But we’re not the ones in control. God is.
I can’t change my spouse for the better—God does. I can’t secure my marriage and family’s future—God does. All I can do is be faithful as a husband and a father, pray, and entrust everything to God.
Celebrating another year of marriage is a wonderful thing. Who knows what’s ahead of us? And the best way to enjoy it is by delighting in God’s blessings in the journey—one day at a time, one year at a time.
